3.17.2008

The 1x1 for the on-the-go fixie pilot

So I'm sure you've seen this floating around on the internet this past week. Well, my friend Nick James translated it... Here it is: Left Side: Cheeky hat made of imitation denim with wannabe sponsor logo Insect-resistant and stylish "nose-bike" (slang for sunglasses) Model: Mandy Whorehole Alternative: Eyepatch or "wood-eye" (like the eye in a plank of wood) Weight-optimizied acceleration baby-beard Model: booger- and snot-retardant "respect beam" (I think this is more unusual slang for mustache) Alternative: None, really. Ah, well, maybe black sharpie. Nitto NJS handlebars & stem (limited edition anodized = powerful penis enlargement) NJS-stamped track components generally increase the style and standing of fixie-pilots and will give your rivals even worse penis envy and make them salivate uncontrollably. Alternative: Forget it, kid. Tri- or Aerospoke front wheel Most important is that it is made of plastic and is usable (I could be wrong if Platik isn't a typo for Plastik) It doesn't make sense, but hipsters don't give a shit. Trispokes and Aerospokes ride steady. End of story. ("ride steady" is a guess) Alternative: Preferably a colored deep-V Model: (no idea here) Accelerator, Scumpagnalo Pasta or Clammy Nippleator. Funny stickers, postage stamps or pornographic images emphasizing urban appearance and uglification (theft deterrence), as well as the personalization of your fixie. Right side: Grandpa's stuffy flannel shirt from storage Model: Desert Fox. Warms and protects the urban fixer from incipient semi-sunshine and spy attacks (?) from crazed freewheelers. No mess bag, no credibility. Fixie-pilots use the mess bag to distinguish themselves from the masses of ordinary bike riders. Model: USA (Balkan model, if need be) (maybe) Ghetto blaster casually balanced on the arm Music: Punk, Oi or Ramones Anything else would not be plausible. Alternative: Riding no-handed with a turntable in each hand. Bunch of keys dangling flirtatiously from a belt-loop. Spares the dope in pants pockets and heralds the sweaty pilot precociously. Cloth pants Model: Dixie ShootMeDead in doodoo-brown. In a pinch: BiteMeBlue, hand-shortened. Original Japanese NJS Keirin frame. The holy grail of every fixie-pilot. Spoke cards. Imperative. Spoke cards are the poser's license plate. The more license plates, the more... something. Track pedals with double straps. Double straps, double acceleration. Battle scars. Boosts urban credibility. Cloth sneakers with soft-as-shit rubber soles. Reason: see Trispokes. No bar tape. Bar tape is gay. Alternative: Bar tape. Socks are also gay.

1 comment:

Sakkis said...

This is really funny.